Mostly Anecdotal

She said, “Have you heard about the Belcher Norman?”

I asked her if there was a comma after belcher.

“It’s a vacuum cleaner,” she said.

I said, “There’s a vacuum called the Belcher Norman?”

“Listen to this,” she said, “When you first turn it on, this bag-less upright burps like your Uncle Morty on Thanksgiving.”

“We don’t have an Uncle Morty,” I said.

She ignored me and continued, “The review says it’s no bargain, save your money, it says.”

“So there was a comma,” I said.

“Yes, a comma,” she said. “You don’t belch that much. Now if I’d said have you heard about the farter Norman …”

When I was younger there were cars with push-button automatic transmissions? It was a bad idea, and it wasn’t long before the buttons disappeared and more traditional methods of changing gears returned. We know now that it was not a harbinger of a button-less future, but rather a blip on the path to our modern push-button society.

I read somewhere, that beginning in the nineties, pushing the close button an elevator did nothing, but it didn’t stop me or others from pushing the button anyway, sometimes repeatedly. And when the door eventually closed we felt the power of a prayer answered, or in my case the laws of physics confirmed.

I’m an itinerant button pusher. I’ve pushed buttons on more than one continent. I not only push the close button in the elevator, but in my impatience I push the open button too. If there were a button for the sunrise and the sunset, I’d be pushing it as well.

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“Hello, this is Jenny. I’m on another call or away from my desk. Leave a message or if your call is urgent you can reach my backup, Mindy at extension 2323456.”

I left a detailed message. The following day not having received a response I called Jenny again.

“Hello, this is Jenny I’ll be out of the office until next Monday if you need help you can call my backup Mindy at extension 2323456″

“Hi this is Mindy I’m on the phone or away from my desk. You can reach my backup Jenny, at extension 6363478, or leave a message.”

Once again I left a message, a few hours later I received a call.

“Hi this is Jeff returning your call to Jenny,” he said.

“I just called her backup Mindy,” I said.

“Do you know Mindy’s last name?” he said.

“No, but I can give you her extension.”
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“I won’t last much longer,” he said. “It’s the gravity that’s getting me.” He leaned forward just a bit at the waist and said, “See how it’s pulling me down?”

It’s the gravity that gets us all in the end, and then keeps us in place. Gravity is an argument against there being an afterlife, as much trouble as we have with it while were alive, tugging at us constantly, being dead we have no way to fight back. It holds us in place while the critters pick at our bones.

“Gravity has spoiled my golf game too,” he said. “I give the ball a whack and gravity pulls it back to earth a lot sooner than it used too. I think gravity is getting stronger,” he said. “You probably don’t notice it since you’re younger, but I do.”

The gravity theme was repeated several times during the evening and all in reference to being ninety years old, and how it was killing him.

“Food tastes like crap,” he said. I don’t really give a damn what I eat anymore, and with the gravity tugging at me all the time the food just forms a lump in my stomach.”

“I feel like Sisyphus,” he said, “I’ve been pushing that rock up the hill for ninety years now, not as long as Sisyphus, but a long time, and sometimes I feel like just letting it go. Like the bumper sticker says, ‘Obey Gravity, It’s the Law’.”

What the hell do they mean a pre-made sandwich? Don’t they really mean ready-made? When was it pre? I’ll tell you, back when it was lettuce, cheese, pickles, etcetera, and was sitting on the counter. It wasn’t a sandwich at all; it was a bunch of parts. It was only after the parts were combined that it became a sandwich, made, not pre-made. It’s not a sandwich until it’s made so what’s with the pre.

And those Amazon Book guys trying to save a few words by offering to let you pre-order a book. Of course it’s not really a pre-order it’s just an order. You are ordering it for future delivery just like every other book you order from them. It’s just going to take longer to get to you. What they mean is an advance order. So why don’t they just say that? Can’t they spare a few more words, after all they’re in the word business.

And what’s with a preview, are you really going to look at something before you look at it. I don’t think so. I know these are small things, and I understand if it doesn’t bug you the way it bugs me. I could go on you know, there is preowned, preteen, preposterous. I’ll stop now, but don’t pretend it’s not a problem. You need to be prepared.